She's got the kind of look that defies gravity
She's the greatest cook
And she's fat free

She's been to private school
And she speaks perfect French
She's got the perfect friends
Oh isn't she cool

She practices Tai Chi
She'd never lose her nerve
She's more than you deserve
She's just far better than me

Hey hey

So don't bother
I won't die of deception
I promise you won't ever see me cry
Don't feel sorry

And don't bother
I'll be fine
But she's waiting
The ring you gave to her will lose its shine
So don't bother, be unkind

I'm sure she doesn't know
How to touch you like I would
I beat her at that one good
Don't you think so?

She's almost 6 feet tall
She must think I'm a flea
I'm really a cat you see
And it's not my last life at all

Hey hey

So don't bother
I won't die of deception
I promise you won't ever see me cry
Don't feel sorry

Don't bother
I'll be fine
But she's waiting
The ring you gave to her will lose its shine
So don't bother, be unkind

For you, I'd give up all I own
And move to a communist country
If you came with me, of course
And I'd file my nails so they don't hurt you
And lose those pounds, and learn about football
If it made you stay, but you won't, but you won't

So don't bother,
I'll be fine, I'll be fine, I'll be fine, I'll be fine
Promise you won't ever see me cry

And after all I'm glad that I'm not your type
Promise you won't ever see me cry

So don't bother,
I'll be fine, I'll be fine, I'll be fine, I'll be fine
Promise you won't ever see me cry

And after all I'm glad that I'm not your type, not your type, not your type, not your type
Promise you won't ever see me cry




three weeks later and my heart still feels broken.
my life feels less broken than it ever has been.
but never will I say that anything hurts more than this.

I can't remember today, yesterday, or before that. This is going to be really, really hard.

I wanted a variation from my usual squash recipe so I decided to make up a new one.
thus was born battered squash nuggets, which are delicious. crunchy, sweet, and salty.
definately an A+. goes well with toasted squash seeds.

god, today is a breather.
chillin' at home, listening to awesome music. eating rice. best ever.
mom left me a message this morning- I have to call Dr. Young and say, hey, Dr. Young, I'm getting a little crazy again. didn't get around to it today.
but I did shower. that's a step up.
someone looked at the house today, but she didn't seem too impressed. maybe if she'd given us more than an hour to clean the place. and it's not my fault she doesn't like ferrets. I saw her peering at my artwork on the walls. I wasn't too impressed by that. maybe if she wasn't scowling.
hahahahaha. I forgot I put "devil went down to georgia" on my playlist. took me a minute to figure out what the hell I was listening to.
heather's off having coffee with a girl. I will not be jealous! <_<
I want to go to the dominion in torbay and raid their ridiculously huge natural foods section.

errrrg. I hate it when people keep animals like sugar gliders and hedgehogs as pets. there is no need to domesticate any farther wild animals unless it's to save their lives. I found sugar glider accessories in the pet store the other day. I was very not amused. jesus. if you want to keep a friendly  barely-domesticated animal as a pet, try a hissing cockroach. those buggers are crazy. or catch an earwig and instead of killing it, give it a good home.
I love living on an island that is so far cockroach-free,
depression has been kickng me in the box recently, and as usual, I'm thick as a board and thinking I was a-okay because I was high all the time. now I have run out of drugs and I'm right back to where I started. I act like nothing's wrong and to be quite honest, I'm already sick of talking about it, but I will say one thing: it's bad. bad enough that I might go back to the hospital, even though I told myself that I wouldn't. 
bein admitted to a psychiatric hospital like, eight times, is kind of embarrassing. I don't want a ninth. but I do. it's so quiet there. (well, usually.) there are the nurses with at least some training that makes them usually not assholes. I can get up and spend three hours walking up and down the hall, and nobody even looks at me funny. plus, they will moniter me while I go through medication transitions, which is REALLY really important for me.  I just want to be quiet and lie in bed all day and not have to do or act. or pretend to be "sane", whatever the hell that's supposed to be.
I'm volatile;
Imma watch some Buffy tonight.

I made these:
http://www.livingnaturally.com/common/recipes/recipes_results.asp?id=2&storeID=D3281FB40A1448D4B2611B41C9C8B89D

dear god. so amazing. I found a yummy almond drink and I am devouring. I added raisins, flax, and vanilla.

I found a gorgeous platter-bowl type thing in Winners, bought it, and now have an altar space in my ongoing battle for an altar Bear won't eat!

it's basically altar-in-a-platter, easily taken along woodland trumps and stored if needed. it's easily grabbed-awayable from Bear.
fits in a backpack!

workout today was fun. more treadmill (had a spiff with a girl I knew from highschool who I really didn't like to begin with. she just HAD to ask every person when they were off every five minutes, because patience was not her virtue), and when she drove me away, I did some stationary bike.
seeya later, cholesterol and heart disease! hello happy body and happy mind! it's amazing how good you feel when you're pouring sweat and drinking water to replace it and your body hurts but it's not too bad because it's a good feeling. the "I'm getting healthy again" feeling. no more lazing around feeling sorry for myself. I wanna be able to hike again by summer.
afterwards there was a quick 
OW. heather's watching Rome and some guy just ripped out another guy's tongue with his teeth.
I made a nice meal of a peanut butter and banana sandwich, with a side of miso soup and sliced fresh mango. mrrrrrr.
KATIE GETS HOME TOMOROW!
dear lord I miss that girl like crazy..

did a decent workout today. basically consisted on having massive fun on the treadmill (those things are freaking awesome), while some skinny blonde bimbo glanced sideways at me the whole time. I was running just as fast as her, but she was glaring at everyone else too, so I didn't really care. if she's hating it/everyone so much then why the hell is she there? I was kind of embarrassed when my face, which was already all sweaty, became as red as my hair. O_o
there are foxes on animal planet. I adore foxes. reminds me of the time I was up on signal hill and this fox started playing with me. he ran ahead of us and behind us, jumping up and down excitedly.
mom loaned my money for a full-time gym membership. woo! now i can get my fitness on. I don't want to give up my major boo-tay, but I would like to get all fit and not have the arteries of a 60-year-old smoker.
we have to take bear to the vet to get his shots, neechy to the vet to see if he has asthma (he's having breathing issues), and poopie because he's developing cataracts (such an old man!). not to mention misha needs baytril and feets is still batshit crazy. but feets has always been crazy, soo...
I think the only one who isn't due for a trip to the mean ole animal doctor is chibi, who seems to be healthy as a horse.
oh no... the baby coyotes on TV are howling and it is so damn cute.

fucking hell. I hate being a crazy bitch.
the latter half of today was spent screaming and  crying in a state of almost-psychosis, if not the full way there, being a complete emotional abuser towards heather. for me, it doesn't matter how many times I say i'm sorry. it doesn't matter that my meds are fucked, that i'm depressed, that my BPD is acting up big time. NOTHING excuses how I was acting.
Heather: I love you so, so much. You have no idea. and all that I said and did, well, i was so out of my mind that I can't hardly remember most of it, but I had no right to say what I did. i need to work through this with Jeff, because you deserve so much better. and you will get so much better from me, because i refuse to stay like this. 
I thought everyone wanted to screw me over, that people were lying to me and manipulating me to make me miserable. I couldn't own up to the fact that I was making myself miserable.
I'm so afraid I'm going to push her too far and lose her.
I can't say I'm sorry enough, because sorry doesn't cut it.
I guess, other than that, my day was okay. It started out really well. My art show went off nice, there was only one piece of mine in there, but that really didn't matter considering my art is now posted up all over town and on every invitation. I'm starting to think that art has chosen me, and that I have not chosen art. I love it. it's suck an integral part of me that I'd be lost without it. at the same time, I hole myself up for days working on a piece and what do I get for it but money wasted on supplies and people telling me how good I am despite the fact that 90% of my work looks like trash to me. I'm not kidding. i don't have to do the mirror test. I see my stuff, and I think it looks like utter garbage.
again, maybe I'm just PMS-ing (I'd say MS, but I don't have multiple sclerosis).
anyway, i got all dolled up, sari-style with wrap-around pants, hemp boots, and a flowy hippie shirt. did my makeup, fluffed up my hair. showered, too. drank coffee, tried a piece of cheese and was delightfully not impressed with it, tried to eat a full, raw jalopino pepper (ack), and stuck to the vegan food after the cheese incident. 
the artwork was beautiful, this show. there were some gorgeous pieces.
(I still feel like shit.)

words cannot describe how much i hate the drama and the arguments within the wiccan community. who's a "real" wiccan, who's "fake", who's a fluffybunnypoo and all that garbage. looking up wiccan communities on LJ is like hitting yourself in the face with more bigotry than is supposed to exist in this religion. makes me wanna go chase some vishnu. seriously. I'm sick of it. is it too much to ask that people recognize that religions evolve and that what was once true fifty years ago isn't the same now? if traditionalist wiccans had their way, wicca would eat itself because nobody would have any interest in it. no offence, but I want to dance to my god, who may not have hooves and raging goat hormones but who's wild as any horned god.
neo-wiccan my ass. who came up with that ridiculous term anyway?
maybe it's the PMS talking.